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December’s Horoscope


Aries (Mar21-Apr19): You’ve probably just purchased the new Call of Duty Black Ops. I am sorry to say that on December 15th, your hand will cramp.

Taurus (Apr20-May20): Because of all the good deeds you have done, your utility will decrease your bill by $0.01 for every 10,000 gallons of water you use.

Gemini (May21-Jun21): They say when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Well, just don’t do it in a New York City park because you’ll need a permit for that.

Cancer (Jun22-Jul22): When you crack open the fortune cookie, keep the lottery numbers. Change each of the numbers and increase it by 1. You will now be guaranteed to not win the jackpot.

Leo (Jul23-Aug22): On the Friday of this week, ask your crush to go to the movie theater with you. While watching the movie, near the beginning, go and get some popcorn. Come back after one hour saying you were involved in a robbery and that you were the one who stopped the robber from getting away. She will now marry you.

Virgo (Aug23-Sep22): If you feel like this country is in the hole, make sure you vote for Bill Clinton for one more term.

Libra (Sep23-Oct23): If you feel like this country is not in the hole, Obama 2012

Scorpio (Oct24-Nov21): Usually when you match up Gatorade and Powerade, Gatorade usually wins the battle of the tastes. This time, you buy an expired Gatorade; it loses to the Powerade.

Sagittarius (Nov22-Dec21): I have my utmost trust in you Sagittarians to help a child. Help a child steal something from Walmart.

Capricorn (Dec22-Jan19): Christmas falls during your watch. If you do not lay out milk and cookies for Santa, he will curse you with an ugly sweater.

Aquarius (Jan20-Feb18): Forget Coca-Cola. Forget Pepsi. Forget Store Brand. Buy Jones Soda!
Editor’s Note: Nothing special for you Aquarians, just a paid advertisement.

Pisces (Feb19-Mar20): When you’re feeling kind-of tired, drink a coke. When you’re feeling tired, drink a coffee. When you’re feeling really tired, drink a Red Bull. When you’re feeling absolutely tired, just go back to sleep.

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