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This Month’s Horoscope

Aries (Mar21-Apr19): After you read this horoscope, make sure you run to the nearest Chinese restaurant and get a fortune cookie. When you read it, make sure you follow the advice religiously. IF it is just a saying…well, how can you tell with that bad English? Ohh snap, one of my friends told me that his fortune cookie said “Orange Juice Pulpness.” Well anyways, if your slip has Chinese on it, you have to yell it out for the next minute or you will die.

Taurus (Apr20-May20): You’re a freaking bull? Who can stand in your path you ask? Gemini is the answer.

Gemini (May21-Jun21): You are always seen among the stars. But today, you won’t be seen at night, you’ll be seen during the day…waking up in Taurus’ bull$#*!

Cancer (Jun22-Jul22): Ok, so you have cancer and you’re associated with crabs. I think that to put something here is overkill.

Leo (Jul23-Aug22): We all know you’re the worst at picking up girls. Can’t you just practice a little bit with your pillow?

Virgo (Aug23-Sep22): Labor Day happens to fall in your category. Why don’t you just get labored you virgin? Oh crap, it’s past the 22nd.


Scorpio (Oct24-Nov21): So Halloween falls during your watch. Too bad it will haunt you because when you go trick-or-treating, some old fat man will throw a rock at you.

Sagittarius (Nov22-Dec21): Buy a car and you get two choices: to buy a Ford Fusion or buy a Toyota Camry? FORD FUSION YOU IDIOT!

Capricorn (Dec22-Jan19): The government is watching. Yes they are watching you, listening, smelling, recording, all the good stuff a government has to do. Please, please, please return that library book.

Aquarius (Jan20-Feb18): You are the best out of these group of losers. Pat yourself on the back.

Pisces (Feb19-Mar20): You are the losers out of these losers of a group. Have fun and just take a large dose of those sleeping pills. No one wants you.

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