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United/Continental Airline Merger

It’s official! United shareholders have approved the acquisition of Continental.

We all know that some mergers are just plain messy. With airlines adding all these ridiculous fees, I’d thought I’d help them create more of them…

1. In the UNLIKELY event of loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down. To start the flow of oxygen, simply insert your credit card…
2. $100 on-time departure fee…$25 delay complaint fee. An additional fee of $2 for a fake reason and $10 for the real reason.
3. $50 to use Jetway or $20 to use roll-away stairs to enter/exit the aircraft. No charge to use rope ladder alternative
4. $9 fee for bumping your head on the overhead bin as you you get up from your seat; $3 additional for looking up at the bin after you bump into it
5. $2 for low A/C…$3 for high A/C… No charge to use your partner’s A/C
6. $5 to use reading light, an additional $3 if you accidentally page the flight attendant.
7. $4 to use the lavatory, $5 to lock the door…an additional $1 to flush the toilet, $.50 for each section of toilet paper you use. No charge to use your hand. $2 to wash your hands with water, $1 to use the soap….and $4 if you want the moist towelette alternative.
8. If you use your airsickness bag as your lavatory, that will be a $15 charge.
9. Tap water is now $5…no charge for recycled lavatory water.
10. $20 to exit the plane

We thank you for choosing our airline and we look forward to serving you again!

  1. October 5, 2010 at 9:44 pm

    lol man i love this!

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