1. I want to eat less fast food- To do this, I will order 20 McNuggets for $4.99. First, I’ll eat 10 for lunch and then 10 for dinner. For breakfast, I’ll eat the sauce packets that comes with it.

2. I want to watch less TV- To do this, I will purposely miss some episodes and then re-watch them on the computer.

3. I will make sure I re-gift all the crappy gifts I received for Christmas this year.

4. I will drive more safely. When signaling for turns, I will turn on my hazard lights to ensure the driver behind me will slow down out of confusion.

5. To help conserve water, I will only shower once a month.

I wish you all a great new year. Here’s to 2011.

Taurus (Apr20-May20): Because of all the good deeds you have done, your utility will decrease your bill by $0.01 for every 10,000 gallons of water you use.

Gemini (May21-Jun21): They say when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Well, just don’t do it in a New York City park because you’ll need a permit for that.

Cancer (Jun22-Jul22): When you crack open the fortune cookie, keep the lottery numbers. Change each of the numbers and increase it by 1. You will now be guaranteed to not win the jackpot.

Leo (Jul23-Aug22): On the Friday of this week, ask your crush to go to the movie theater with you. While watching the movie, near the beginning, go and get some popcorn. Come back after one hour saying you were involved in a robbery and that you were the one who stopped the robber from getting away. She will now marry you.

Virgo (Aug23-Sep22): If you feel like this country is in the hole, make sure you vote for Bill Clinton for one more term.

Libra (Sep23-Oct23): If you feel like this country is not in the hole, Obama 2012

Scorpio (Oct24-Nov21): Usually when you match up Gatorade and Powerade, Gatorade usually wins the battle of the tastes. This time, you buy an expired Gatorade; it loses to the Powerade.

Sagittarius (Nov22-Dec21): I have my utmost trust in you Sagittarians to help a child. Help a child steal something from Walmart.

Capricorn (Dec22-Jan19): Christmas falls during your watch. If you do not lay out milk and cookies for Santa, he will curse you with an ugly sweater.

Aquarius (Jan20-Feb18): Forget Coca-Cola. Forget Pepsi. Forget Store Brand. Buy Jones Soda!
Editor’s Note: Nothing special for you Aquarians, just a paid advertisement.

Pisces (Feb19-Mar20): When you’re feeling kind-of tired, drink a coke. When you’re feeling tired, drink a coffee. When you’re feeling really tired, drink a Red Bull. When you’re feeling absolutely tired, just go back to sleep.

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Taurus (Apr20-May20): You’re a freaking bull? Who can stand in your path you ask? Gemini is the answer.

Gemini (May21-Jun21): You are always seen among the stars. But today, you won’t be seen at night, you’ll be seen during the day…waking up in Taurus’ bull$#*!

Cancer (Jun22-Jul22): Ok, so you have cancer and you’re associated with crabs. I think that to put something here is overkill.

Leo (Jul23-Aug22): We all know you’re the worst at picking up girls. Can’t you just practice a little bit with your pillow?

Virgo (Aug23-Sep22): Labor Day happens to fall in your category. Why don’t you just get labored you virgin? Oh crap, it’s past the 22nd.

Libra (Sep23-Oct23): HAHAH YOU LOCKED YOUR KEYS IN THE CAR!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Scorpio (Oct24-Nov21): So Halloween falls during your watch. Too bad it will haunt you because when you go trick-or-treating, some old fat man will throw a rock at you.

Sagittarius (Nov22-Dec21): Buy a car and you get two choices: to buy a Ford Fusion or buy a Toyota Camry? FORD FUSION YOU IDIOT!

Capricorn (Dec22-Jan19): The government is watching. Yes they are watching you, listening, smelling, recording, all the good stuff a government has to do. Please, please, please return that library book.

Aquarius (Jan20-Feb18): You are the best out of these group of losers. Pat yourself on the back.

Pisces (Feb19-Mar20): You are the losers out of these losers of a group. Have fun and just take a large dose of those sleeping pills. No one wants you.

GEICO, on October 15th, has already announced the partnership saying drivers can not only save 15% or more on car insurance, but they can save 15% on a visit to the restaurant. Also, Rewards Members receive a discount of 0.15% off every bill.

Notes
1. Rewards Members in Massachusetts are not eligible for the GEICO discount.
2. Rewards Members must be age 13 and up to be eligible for the GEICO discount.
3. GEICO customers must present their last statement or GEICO card and a government issued ID before ordering.
4. During the 1st week of the relaunched My Outback Rewards program, the Gecko will visit Outback Steakhouse restaurants in Oakland, and Jacksonville. The specific restaurant, date, and time will be a surprise. Near the end of Outback Rewards Week, the Gecko will visit all restaurants in Chevy Chase, MD and Tampa, company headquarters for GEICO and Outback respectively.

1. BAND-AID 100 Count Adhesive Bandages for having lack of adhesiveness. Bandages that do not stick can expose areas that can lead to bacterial infections.
2. All Listerine Products for having too much concentration of the alcohol active ingredient. Too much concentration can be harmful to the body with hangovers lasting for two days. Also, brain damage can be life-threatening.
3. All Sudafed Products for having too much of the active ingredient Pseudoephedrine HCl. This ingredient can be used to produce methamphetamine.
4. Splenda Individual Packets for containing real sugar.
5. All Visine products for having a saline eye solution.
6. Nicorette chewing gum for not having enough active ingredient Nicotine causing smokers to crave tobacco products.